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名师说文书-UCLA文书写作攻略

2017-06-23 13:41:57 来源:江博教育 作者:江博教育

 加州文书16年改革后,文书就成为申请中最有挑战性的一项,不管申请几所加州系统的学校,都需要从八篇文书题目中选取四篇来写,无论是题目难度还是字数要求都升了一级,作为第二年申请的小伙伴,可以从学长和学姐的文书中汲取经验,增加自己的申请分量。

文书范文

Every individual comes from a unique, eclectic world, shaped by memories and dreams, past experiences and future aspirations. The baffling complexity of someone’s personality cannot be told in a handful of words, yet an eloquent description of a passion can be an effective tool to communicate the insights of a person’s core values. Running is one of my passions, the keystone to the development of my athletic and spiritual life.

 

When I was in the 9th grade, my parents bought a house in Florida and gave me the opportunity to take classes at a middle-school for three months. Without really knowing what to expect, I joined the mileage club and started running every morning before class, twice a week. It quickly became riveting; as I was a complete beginner, my learning curve followed a solid progression and I was elated to get better every time I hit the field. I ran a total of 67.25 miles, almost catching up to the best runners. This awe-inspiring introduction to running gave me a passion. For my senior year, I decided to join a triathlon club to receive specific training on my running skills. It has been a terrific journey, participating in numerous races with school and at local events, meeting wondrous people with whom I share the same passion.

 

The poetry in this sport will never cease to amaze me. I live in the mountains in France, where the slopes are sharp and the air is fresh. As I make my way through the thick fog of the morning, feeling my muscles pulse and my heart filling itself with vigor, the esoteric beauty of the trail unravels itself. The delicate colors of the leaves, the wisdom that sleeps in the majestic rocks of limestone and granite, the breathtaking view when you reach a summit, the soothing sound of glacial water racing down for the lake; this is my secret garden, giving me energy and inspiration.

 

Athletics can be a remarkable source of education, as it has helped me build a strong work ethic. Running long distances is strenuous and requires physical practice as much as mental preparation. When your legs ache and you’re breathless, an inner voice tempts you to give up and listening can be frighteningly enticing. However, I have started to recognize this human weakness and find the motivation to raise above it. This sport has been a great gift, guiding me to become someone better.

 

Passion shape our lives, and therefore our world — mine is idiosyncratic and cheerful, diverse and curiously imperfect. It will always evolve as I mature, changing the color of its skin like a reptile, aiming to constantly improve. I learned that the road is full of promises, unspoken dreams and infinite possibilities that hide in plain sight. And deep down, I know that I will always love running just as much as I love life.

 

 

Peggy
文书名师-金霞

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leslie
文书详解

 

 

 推荐原因 

文章充分地展现了作者的内心格局,不像其他尚未成熟的孩子们,尚在青春年华的作者所关注的事情早已超越眼前的生活和学习了。然,学生真的不在意这些东西了么?当然不是,只是要让名校招生官了解的“你”不能够仅仅是个“学霸”。

 

 

文书点评 

1. 用画面对比,用数据说话,使所要表达的内容更立体;

2. 选题很好,格局比较大,信息量很大,前后发展水到渠成;

3. 目的明确,以情绪和诉求递增来突显内心渴望。

文章开头就直奔主题,毫不掩饰地提出了印度这个国家城乡差距的事实,虽然身处优渥的环境里,却无法不去关心这个社会底层的同胞们。看似极大的话题,却一点也不是天方夜谭,作为小小的中学生,也能通过自己的努力去做自己所关心的事情。后续内容中也用数据和事实说明自己为之所做的努力和获取的成果,起到了强有力的说服作用,这也不难让招生官看到作者在相关问题的思考深度和钻研精神。

 

从回忆部分开始作者交代了自己为什么有机会在这大千世界中去关注了“芸芸苍生”,并说明为什么自己的行动能有效地解决现实障碍且适合大面积推广。他的理想并不是空中楼阁,也不是自说自话般地自我吹嘘,超越一般人的家庭背景和丰富的经历帮他建立了当前的观点。父亲的工作给他“巧合地”接触科技和工程的世界,研发团队的工作激发了他内心的小萌芽;国外学习和游玩的经历为他洒下启蒙之光,成为工程师就此驻足心中;母亲的社会活动机会让他见识了现实的残酷,这加深了他想要改变世界的目标。积极参与各种研究和调查,把研发技术与现实困境相结合,有效地解决了偏远地区的能源短缺问题,让便利的生活更环保。这个话题又巧妙地和Community Service相结合了,一个美国学校非常看重的社会意识。幸运也是必然,这样远大的目标和奋斗的方向如何能够让招生官不留意呢?

 

大篇幅的中间段全是数据和事实的陈述,但是恰到好处地说明了时间和经历的沉淀让作者对合理利用科技这种理念的更深化认识,它需要技术和知识,还需要人文关怀的意识。面对社会底层人士的困苦和期盼希望的眼神,作者内心的激情再次被点燃,他更加确定了科技的价值和成为工程师所能带来的改变。除去丰富的经历,这一刻坚定的信念和翻滚的心是多么有力量,小篇幅的感性的表达让申请和未来的计划更人性化了。


 

语言分析 

Stark 鲜明的,通常在对照两者之间突出的差距并含有残酷的意思,不像Bright、Vivid、Lively比较阳光。

Chivvy 困扰、催促,既表现了常挂心中也强调出该事物对人的督促,Pester则会有点完全被动的困扰的意味。

Rewind 倒带、转回,后面接的一般是时间点、磁带和影片节点等,look back后面则加一段时间。

Underprivileged 贫穷的、社会底层的,比The poor所涵盖的人群更多一点。

Serendipitous 偶然发现的、侥幸得到的,一般来形容好的收获,而accidental则也用于形容坏的结果的东西。

 

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